A Guide to Effective Parenting: How To Raise Your Kids to Be Responsible

I am back from my sabbatical, everyone. Sorry I was gone for so long. With spring break and Easter, March was very busy for me as I am sure it was for you.

I want to get started on a weekly course over the next few weeks. I came across a book that I would highly recommend to any parent. Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.

Let's get down to it. The tips from here on out will work MOST of the time. Making good choices HAS to be LEARNED, just like anything else. There is no 100% effective way to parent. But I am here to tell you, this helps.

Our world is filled with kids that can't figure out right from wrong, or they feel like they can't do things for themselves. It is up to us, as their parents to teach them how to do things and know the difference.

When you were a kid, did you ever tell yourself or your friends that when you have your own kids, you will never raise them and discipline them the same way you were growing up?

I sure did. Here is a newsflash for most of you though. Whether we like it or not,  we tend to raise our kids how we were raised.

There are several types of parents out there. I am sure your parents were one of them.

1. The Helicopter Parent 

       This is the parent that protects their child from E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. They hover over their child. They rescue them whenever trouble arises. They protect them from every growing experience that the child needs.

       Children raised this way struggle later on in adulthood while trying to figure everything out. They don't know how to handle the challenges of life. They will learn the hard way that they can't bail out of trouble or responsibilities. How will they handle getting a traffic ticket, missing overdue bills, getting fired at work, taxes? No one will be there to bail them out. What happens then?

2. The Turbo-Attack Helicopter Parent

      These parents strive to show their kids a perfect world. One in which their child doesn't have to face disappointment, inconvenience, struggle, or feel discomfort. These kids look good on paper: high grades, awards, honors, etc. Parents want their kids to have every advantage, things are swept under the rug. 

    In the end, character and attitude are what is important. Not what is on their transcripts. Kids gain this character through overcoming struggles and learning through them. Not by being protected.

3. Drill Sergeant Parent

      These parents believe in controlling everything their children do. There is only one way to fold a towel. Is there really?  They believe kids need to be disciplined and told what to do. When they speak to their kids, words are full of I told you so or put-downs. 

      

      Kids suffer because they don't know how to think for themselves. They eventually rebel because they don't want to hear their parents voice in their heads making decisions for them. They have been ordered around and have become dependent on the parents. When the kids were younger and the pressure from peers was not so heavy, they never got to learn how to make the decision for themselves. These kids tend to be followers, again, because they can't think for themselves.

Finally, we have....

4. The Laissez-Faire Parent

        This type of parent could be unsure of how to handle their kids, or they have become confused by all the "advice" on parenting. So, they decide to let their kids raise themselves. They sit back and let kids dictate. They want to be their child's best friend and that it's important to preserve that relationship.

        This is a cop-out or misunderstanding of our parental responsibilities.

I am ashamed to say I have been all of these types of parents. I was raised as an army brat, so of course, I was raised by at least one drill sergeant parent. I want, like all parents, the best for my kids. So, I am a helicopter parent. And then, there are days that I give up and just don't care because everything I do just isn't working. The Laissez-Faire parent, I am. 

Here is the answer you came here to get.

The most effective type of parenting is....

The Consulting Parent

         This is the parent that asks questions and gives choices. They establish options while hanging onto the boundaries. This kind of parenting is the goal. I have used it for two weeks now and even my 2-year-old is making better decisions. We must maintain those boundaries in order to help our kids understand that they are responsible for those decisions and that there are consequences. Ask them "What could you have done instead?" Instead of saying "Why did you do that? What were you thinking?" If they won't sit at the table and eat dinner, "Well, I can take your plate and we can get ready for bed now or you can eat at the table and talk with us about your day." If they won't clean their room, "Would you like to clean your room or sell a toy to hire me to clean it."

      

        More than likely, they will clean instead of losing a toy. If they choose to sell a toy, then they can choose the toy or opt for you to choose the toy. If they are older and want to borrow money, make them set something up with you for collateral (ex. game console, tv, stereo, headphones, etc.).

        When they are struggling with something, don't just take it and do it for them. Ask "Are you having a hard time? Would you like me to show you how to do it this time so you can do it on your own next time?" This works when they want to make their own PB&J sandwich, peel an orange, build something from Legos, or most other instances. 

         Kids like to do things by themselves, but they don't always know how to go about it. They like feeling independent so they can tell you, "Look, mom, look what I did." We need to give them the tools and knowledge to do this.

         We are trying to set up instances where they can be responsible and take ownership of their behaviors. When kids get older, they will already know how to make decisions on their own instead of being a follower like a drill sergeant kid or know how to take rejection, unlike the helicopter kids.

Do not argue with them. This is key. Here are some one-liners that you can use:

1. "I love you too much to argue."
2. "I know."
3. "What did I say?"
4. "I argue at 6:00 AM on Saturdays."
5. "Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?"

Check out the article on "Going Brain Dead": http://goo.gle/pteXkh

Now, I will tell you that it is difficult trying to change our ways. I have had a few fallbacks during my two weeks. It takes patience and work.  Give kids the opportunity to fail, so next time, they can succeed and learn from their mistakes. If we do everything for them, they will never learn how to be independent thinkers and doers. They will always be looking for a bailout or someone to tell them what to do. What happens when it is time to send them out into the world alone? I, for one, want my kid to be able to figure out how to succeed in life. Start their own business. Buy their own vehicle. Fix the kinks in that vehicle. Change the tire. I definitely don't want to be called, "Mom, I got a ticket today. Can you pay it for me?" Not when they are 25 or 30 years old, for sure. 

Most of the stuff I am doing with this now, I have done in the past. But I have moved, had more kids, gotten busy, and forgotten. I started getting overwhelmed and someone told me about this book. I feel like I am getting back on track with my life and my kids. 

Patience is key during this. Yes, it takes longer to get your kids to make the decision or do the task, but I don't want them to grow up and be reliant on me. They will get further and be happier when they learn to do things for themselves. They will feel proud of themselves when they finally achieve the goals they set before themselves. 

Let me know how you feel about this topic. Are you all for it or not at all interested? We, as parents, forget the importance of our roles in our kids' lives. It is our job to raise them into respectable and responsible adults.

Resources:
www.planetaenvivo.com
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay.